Half Jewish

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They've got two daughters, with a son on the way.
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"

"Not yet," replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."

"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish!"

Gravy Ladle

In France, the assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and his housekeeper than met the eye.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional ... that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."