Bragging About their Sons

Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"

The woman then replies, "He fixes games. You know, hockey games, football games, baseball games..."

Been Married 12 Times

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, 

"Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - "Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... well... God I miss him!"

She finally smiled and turned to him. "So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed!

Baby for the Smith

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to. ."
 
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
 
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." 

"Bathtub? Living room floor?

No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
 
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
 
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
 
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
 
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
 
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
 
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your uh . . . equipment?"
 
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
 
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?. 

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Austerity

One day, the boss tells his manager that he's going to have to cut his salary by 35%.

So, that night, after dinner, he sat down with his wife to discuss ways they could save money.

The husband said, "I have an idea. If you could learn how to cook, we could fire the cook."

His wife replied "Fine. And if you could learn how to fuck, we could fire the gardener".

Attractive Wives

While reading the newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear."