One Gun Salute

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

New Airbase

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked,

"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Damn it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

MS-Tech in the Army

There was a Microsoft Tech Support guy who joined the Army. He was hopeless on the firing range with a pistol. He shot a whole clip and never even hit the target. The Drill Instructor was not happy with his performance, and informed him of this.

The Tech Support guy went back to his position, reloaded, put his fingertip over the end of the barrel, and pulled the trigger, which, of course, neatly removed the end of his finger.

'Well,' he said to the D.I., clutching his finger, 'it's coming out of the gun all right. It must be a problem on your end.'

Light House

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

KGB

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"
 
"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"
 
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
 
"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"
 
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."