An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to attend a
baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his
commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before
the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled,
"Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose. When the National Anthem was
over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded
and the patients were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the
director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog
and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled,
'Peanuts'!"
Handicap
Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee,
preparing to start their game at 7 a.m.
Just as the first was half way up his back swing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!"
"Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.
Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......???!!!"
"Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a chuckle.
For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on."
"OK." said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her."
"I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?"
"He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."
Just as the first was half way up his back swing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!"
"Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.
Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......???!!!"
"Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a chuckle.
For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on."
"OK." said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her."
"I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?"
"He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."
Gotcha
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100
bet on the side.
"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than l, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"
Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than l, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"
Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Golf Partners
Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been
retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they
get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses
there. They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other
one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.
Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"
"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.
"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow."
"So what's the bad news?"
"You're my partner!"
Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"
"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.
"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts tomorrow."
"So what's the bad news?"
"You're my partner!"
Golf Lesson
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally
the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to
it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says
apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't
help"
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
Golf in his Sleep
A guy and his wife are sound asleep in bed when all of a sudden the husband
cracks his wife right in the head.
Wife responds "what the hell are you doing?"
Husband says "I'm playing a really tough par 5 and I just crushed my drive!"
Wife... "knock it off and go back to sleep."
Minutes later... crack... right in her head!
Wife... "now what?"
Husband... "I just drilled my three wood and I'm on the green!"
Wife... "I mean it! Knock it off and go back to sleep!"
Moments later... crack... WIFE hits HUSBAND right in the head!
Husband... "what the hell did you do that for?"
Wife... "I want you to stop using my pubic hairs to see which way the wind's blowing!"
Wife responds "what the hell are you doing?"
Husband says "I'm playing a really tough par 5 and I just crushed my drive!"
Wife... "knock it off and go back to sleep."
Minutes later... crack... right in her head!
Wife... "now what?"
Husband... "I just drilled my three wood and I'm on the green!"
Wife... "I mean it! Knock it off and go back to sleep!"
Moments later... crack... WIFE hits HUSBAND right in the head!
Husband... "what the hell did you do that for?"
Wife... "I want you to stop using my pubic hairs to see which way the wind's blowing!"
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