Too Wiggly and Limp

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Stiff Neck

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

Medical Examination

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if 

I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.

"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

Make Out in Exotic Cars

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, 

"I've made out in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

Looking Down There

Herb and Rosa are in their 80s. Herb always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchased them and came home, asking Rosa, "So, you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. So... What's different?"

Frustrated, Herb goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. "So, Rosa, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Herb? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and it will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Herb yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!"

To which Rosa replies, "Herb darling, you should have bought a new hat."

Change The Motor Oil

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, 

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse said "You must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."