There was a redneck father and son who were always in competition with each
other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted
to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked his father.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first
aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the
boy replied.
"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said.
So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his
trip looking very down in the dumps.
"How was the exam?" asked his son.
"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first
aid and I got them all wrong but one."
"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"
"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come
across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"
"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."
Redneck Birth Control
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough
(they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor
(who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to
have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Two Black Eyes
A man came to work Monday with two black eyes. "Where did you get them black
eyes?" a co-worker asked.
"In church," the man replied. "As we were standing," the man continued, "I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me was stuck up the crack of her ass. So, I pulled it out. She turned and belted me in the eye."
"Well, how did you get the second black eye?"
"Evidently, she didn't like me pulling her dress out of the crack of her ass, so I pushed it back."
"In church," the man replied. "As we were standing," the man continued, "I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me was stuck up the crack of her ass. So, I pulled it out. She turned and belted me in the eye."
"Well, how did you get the second black eye?"
"Evidently, she didn't like me pulling her dress out of the crack of her ass, so I pushed it back."
What's a Monica
A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her
room and start to discuss prices.
She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."
"What's a Monica?" he asks.
"That's where I blow you now and screw you later," she answers.
She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica."
"What's a Monica?" he asks.
"That's where I blow you now and screw you later," she answers.
Trade in for a Job
The madam of a whorehouse is having a great year for business, so she decides
to divide her reception area in half so she'll have another bedroom.
She calls a carpenter in to do the work. He puts up the wall and when he's finished, he says,
"That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss."
She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all her clothes, and lies on the floor with her legs wide apart. She says with a smile, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade."
He gets down on the floor next to her, puts his middle finger in her asshole and his thumb in her pussy and says, "All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition!"
She calls a carpenter in to do the work. He puts up the wall and when he's finished, he says,
"That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss."
She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all her clothes, and lies on the floor with her legs wide apart. She says with a smile, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to take it out in trade."
He gets down on the floor next to her, puts his middle finger in her asshole and his thumb in her pussy and says, "All right, lady, give me my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition!"
Sisters of Mercy
A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that
reads.....
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy
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